Over the last few months there have been numerous headlines about the sex lives of the over-50s – almost all negative. The HIV infection rate in this group has doubled, we are told. The numbers of over-50s suffering from chlamydia, syphilis, gonorrhoea, herpes and genital warts is growing. One doctor even wrote about his shock at treating the sexual diseases of what he called "cheerfully promiscuous" baby boomers.
It is true there are probably some people at middle age who mistakenly think their sexual partners are above suspicion, and others who did not enter their dating lives using condoms. Safer sex practices may not come so easily for them, yet the prominence and style of these articles underscores the sexual ageism that pervades our society. Where are the positive messages about the sex lives of people in their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond? Do we ever hear the truth about how sexually vibrant they can be – without an attached warning about physical dangers and moral pitfalls? Sex among elders is surely one of the greatest sexual taboos in western society.
It is a different story in other societies I have visited, such as Kiribati in the Pacific ocean, where sexuality among ageing people is not just respected, but an open subject for discussion. I even attended official ceremonies that featured proud displays of sexually overt speeches, songs and dances performed by elders. In the presence of his appreciative president and first lady, a middle-aged man enacted a bawdy party-piece along the lines of the children's rhyme I'm a Little Teapot, except that the spout was his penis and "coming to the boil" was a euphemism for orgasm – complete with simulated ejaculation.
Instead of being judgmental, we too should be accepting of sexuality in the later years. We should be encouraging elders, including those facing challenges of illness and disability, to voice their sexual concerns without fearing our prejudice and guilt. Many people in their 50s and above – often "empty-nesters" and free of concerns about pregnancy, with more time for leisure – are privately enjoying the most liberated sex they have ever had. In many cases, they are also free of the body-image concerns they had when they were younger (as one woman told me, "It's all gone south, so I just make the best of it"). And with many years of sexual experience to draw on, they know their own physiology and that of their partners, and have exceptionally well-honed love-making skills.
True, some reluctance to use condoms concerns sexual functioning as people age. While it is a myth that erectile problems are natural consequences of ageing, some older men's erections are not as immediate, as firm or as reliable as they were earlier on – and that can have an impact on the ability or willingness to put on a condom. Similarly, ageing women who are experiencing lubrication depletion may be reluctant to insist on barrier protection that they believe can be irritating and uncomfortable. Perhaps the best form of safe sex for older people is exactly what one would advocate for younger people if one could get away with it; out with abstinence preaching and in with promoting fabulous eroticism in all its many, non-penetrative forms. And for much of that, you don't even need an erection.
Even those who are facing serious or life-threatening physical conditions often want to be sexual despite their challenges and can receive tremendous comfort from a soothing style of sexual or sensual contact. Many (just like younger people with serious illness and disabilities) desperately need practical guidance from their doctors as to what is possible for them. They would rather not hear "Let's just worry about getting you well first", and deserve to be given suggestions such as how to manage the timing of sex around moments when pain is at its lowest point, the use of heat pads to soothe joints, and safe intercourse positions.
I have spoken to many octogenarians who enjoy frequent sensual contact, erotic fun with partners and fabulous orgasms (either alone or with a partner). They are not going to announce it to their families because, just like teenagers, they become acutely aware of ageist prejudices. It is time to lighten up about elder sex. Granny and grandpa are sexual beings. Get over it.
Tips for better sex after 50
• You may have made love fast in the past but now, what's the hurry? Be creative, and tease.
• Don't take it the wrong way if you or your ageing partner does not become immediately erect or lubricated; arousal response can be a bit slower and more direct genital stimulation is often required. Keep a tube of lubricant handy.
• Allow your selves to enjoy sex however it feels best, even if that requires finding "lazy" positions.
• Let go of the notion that intercourse is the "main event" and enjoy sensuality in any form.
• It's sexual quality not quantity that counts.
Sex Life by Dr Pamela Stephenson Connolly will be published by Ebury Press next year
