A scorched-earth policy after a breakup might seem like the quickest option for some. But for others, it’s worth the effort to keep things sweet even when the romance has soured. Whether the motivation is shared children or pets, cost-of-living concerns or simply liking the person even if things didn’t work out as lovers, readers shared overwhelmingly positive experiences about staying friends with an ex.
While the transition came quite naturally for some, the consensus is it takes work and that each “post-dissolution friendship” is as unique as the reasons the former couple came together in the first place.
Readers agreed that time, boundaries and the right intentions were the keys to success.
‘Are you in the friendship for the right reasons?’
I had a rebound relationship with a woman after a disastrous breakup involving kids, infidelity and an acrimonious financial settlement. I was messy and not exactly girlfriend material.
Our relationship and connection, while short, gave me my spark back; she was so very kind, tender and wise. And I think it was good for her too, for a time.
After we broke up it took at least six months to consider friendship. It was her suggestion that we might start hanging out platonically and she was very clear with no mixed messaging. It seemed like a risk worth taking.
A year on I still have occasional internal conflict about it, but if I start lurching into emotional grey areas I take a break and recalibrate. It’s important to interrogate your motives: are you in the friendship for the right reasons and can you be a true friend? I find a philosophical approach helps enormously.
Kat, Australia
‘Nothing good ever comes from being a jerk’
After 12 years of marriage my wife and I have finally called it quits but we can’t really afford to move out and live on our own. We have a functional friendship, but it is awkward. Neither of us has a good reason to hate each other. We just fell out of love. Critically, it’s too expensive to go our separate ways so we’re making do for the time being. I’d still consider us best friends, but we’re just flatmates now. Who knows how it will pan out longer term, but not being jerks to each other helps. Nothing good ever comes from being a jerk.
Anonymous, Australia
‘I cannot imagine not having him as a friend’
If you have genuine love for a person, romantic feelings can change into friendship and respect with a bit of time. Breaking up can bring out the worst in people, but if you can accept your part in it, it allows more compassion for the other person.
Twenty years ago I broke up with a long-term boyfriend from Italy. Although I was hurt at the time, I was able to acknowledge that we had both behaved badly and were equally responsible for our relationship ending. It takes a while to be able to be real friends – for us it was almost 10 years. Early on we had disastrous breakup sex and then stayed in contact but continued to fight occasionally. Once we got it out of our systems we realised that we love each other as people.
I have met his wife and child; he has met mine. My daughter loves him and thinks he is hilarious. Our friendship is no threat to our current relationships. I cannot imagine not knowing him or having him as a friend.
Of course, if your partner has been an absolute toad, be done with them.
Brigid, Australia
‘Your current relationship should always take precedence’
After a long-term partner and I broke up decades ago, we wanted the best for each other. We had mutual friends, were close with each other’s family and loved each other. On the advice of a counsellor we had a complete 12 months of no contact after the breakup. We were able to meet up again after that with less angst and more understanding.
We’ve been very good friends for the last 23 years. I’m like an uncle to her kids and we socialise often with my partner and hers. When she had her first child I felt very emotional. I ended up not having kids and it prompted me to think about what I wanted and whether that was a factor in our breakup.
Remaining in each other’s lives has worked with some caveats. Your current relationship should always take precedence. Although my partner gets on with my ex, there’s a limit to how much interaction is acceptable and I understand that if the shoe was on the other foot I wouldn’t be as happy. A friendship with an ex can seem loaded due to shared history and the intimacy so it’s important to be firm about boundaries.
Anonymous, Australia
‘Maintaining our family unit has made me happier’
Letting your ego get in the way of relationship “conversion” is shortsighted. It’s natural to get bitter and to feel sorry for yourself when a relationship ends, but it will only make your pain worse.
I was devastated when my husband of 30 years left me to be on his own. More than half my adult life had been shared with him.
It isn’t always easy, but focusing on the goodness in an ex is ultimately in your best interest. Losing my marriage was the hardest thing I have had to endure. Forgiving my husband, supporting him and maintaining our family unit have made me happier. I couldn’t bear the thought of us not being able to stay friends.
Anonymous, Australia
Quotes have been edited for structure, clarity and length.
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