Alex* was positively seething at his friend’s suggestion to “be a bit more resilient” in the face of a recent setback at work.

“I wonder what they meant by that?” I queried, attempting to strike the delicate balance between acknowledging Alex’s distress while resisting assumptions about the friend’s intention in using the word.

For Alex, the suggestion sparked anger, disappointment and a sense of demoralisation. Being told to “be resilient” can be comparable to telling someone in the midst of an anxiety attack to simply “calm down”, or advising a new mother to counteract fatigue by “sleeping when the baby sleeps” – perhaps well-intentioned, but simplistic and generally unhelpful.

Like many people, Alex had taken “resilient” to mean “invincible”. Instead of “you can manage this”, he heard “get over it”. He craved comfort and encouragement in that moment, but instead heard words synonymous to “harden up”. The gravity of his worry was minimised, his concerns dismissed.

Gaining strength by enduring adversity is part of resilience, but these simplistic terms belie its true nature.

Resilience refers to an extraordinary but ordinary process – successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life events, while drawing on past resources to face new challenges. Significant psychological growth is made through response and recovery to adversity; new skills are developed, while existing skills are honed. In this sense, resilience is a process not at outcome. Think of a person at peak physical fitness: the physique achieved by exercise and nutrition needs to be maintained. Our brains are not dissimilar: resilience comes not simply from enduring hardship but by the process of using and maintaining skills developed during that time.

The misconstrued understanding of resilience is a trend I’ve observed both in my work as a psychologist and, more broadly, in social conversations. Resilience is now a buzzword being promoted as a mental health magic bullet. It is seen as key to a range of wellbeing outcomes across the lifespan, from kids gaining confidence in their physical and social abilities, to decreased mortality rates for older adults.

But for many people, the expectation to be resilient feels unachievable. The thought of not crumbling when one’s world may, in fact, be crumbling can be terrifying. The ambiguous notion of resilience induces pressure – to conform, to cope seamlessly with traumatic events, to maintain composure, and to hold it all together when stakes are high and chance of success seems low.

From so-called “big T” traumas (such as life-threatening events) to the vicissitudes and stressors of everyday life, none of us get through life unscathed. The response and recovery after adversity is a fundamental part of life. It’s no coincidence that this mirrors a foundational process of therapy. First, identifying and exploring past hardships and trauma. Next, recognising the strategies and skills integral to enduring or mastering the situation. Last, managing the application of this newly developed set of coping strategies to fresh challenges and novel hardships.

Whichever way it is framed and whatever psychological term is used to describe it – cognitive behaviour therapy, post-traumatic growth, trauma processing – much of modern-day therapy focuses on the process of nurturing and encouraging the development of resilience.

For Alex, his friend’s words seemed the antithesis to the support he needed. Rather than “you can handle this”, Alex heard, “you’re on your own”. But resilience rarely develops in isolation. Instead, it is best fostered by support from others. This may include words of encouragement during difficult times, reminders of the coping strategies already within one’s remit, acknowledgement of growth and normalisation of setbacks.

Think of the parent holding the back of a bike until the child gains balance. A teacher helping a student with a difficult assignment. A swimming coach encouraging their charge to complete one more lap. The achievements here belong to individuals but could not be achieved without the scaffolding and crucial help provided by others.

Resilience is no longer a dirty word for Alex.

By exploring and reframing his perception of the conversation with his friend, Alex gained confidence and competence in his capacity to manage the workplace difficulties. Rather than feeling discouraged by the notion of resilience, he was instead able to recognise its true and powerful meaning – the extraordinary but ordinary process of learning from past experiences, and drawing upon existing coping strategies to manage new problems.

Hardship is inevitable. Life will teach us all tough lessons, many of which leave us feeling disempowered and vulnerable. But we are offered a modicum of control – how we use those lessons to improve our own position and future self. None of us are invincible, but we all have capacity for resilience.

• Dr Bianca Denny is a clinical psychologist based in Melbourne. She is the author of the forthcoming book Talk To Me: Lessons from Patients and their Therapist.