Name: Fish.

Age: 530m years.

Role: Making children less awful.

I’m not a fan. Of fish or children?

Either. You should start eating more fish because then you’ll become more tolerant.

This feels like a trap. It’s not a trap – it’s science. A study by the University of Bristol has examined the link between the behaviour of thousands of seven-year-old children and their seafood intake.

What were the findings? Glad you asked. According to the study, “Lower seafood intake at age seven years (0 v  ≥ 190g/week) increased the adjusted odds of suboptimal prosocial behaviour measured by the SDQ at seven years by 35% (OR 1.35 (95% CI 1.10, 1.81), p = 0.042) and at nine years by 43%.”

And again for normal people? Sorry, I meant: eating fish makes kids nicer.

This can’t be true. Apparently it is. According to the study, nine-year-olds who don’t eat fish at all are 43% less likely to display “prosocial behaviour” such as sharing their toys, helping their friends or comforting anyone who is upset.

Why is this? Well, the official answer is that seafood is rich in vitamin D, iodine, selenium and omega-3, all of which positively affect brain development.

Is there an unofficial answer? Well, this is just me thinking out loud, but fish is quite expensive. Maybe there are also unexplored social factors at play.

So rich kids are nicer? Tell that to Donald Trump. OK, fine – I take it back. I’m not a scientist. Jeez.

What about environmental considerations? You mean the fact that overfishing is depleting the world’s marine life at such an alarming rate that fish might be functionally extinct by 2048 unless we start to quell our appetite for them?

Yes. And the fact that the world’s oceans are now primarily receptacles for raw sewage and abandoned plastics, so the thought of taking anything out of that disgusting soup and eating it for dinner is revolting?

Yes! Well, look, do you want well-behaved kids or not?

Not if it means ruining the planet. Fine, your loss. My kids eat nothing but fish for every meal and their behaviour is perfect.

Really? Yes. I mean, they can’t sit through more than about five minutes of Finding Nemo without bursting into tears at the thought of what monsters they have become. But they are 43% more likely to share their toys than your kids, and isn’t that really what counts?

I’m not sure it is. Shh, I can’t talk right now! I’m making a haddock smoothie for my toddler. That’s how seriously I take this.

Do say: “Little Timmy, you have been found guilty of antisocial behaviour.”

Don’t say: “Your sentence is a cod bap.”