Forget yoga, pilates or eating leafy greens. If you want to improve your health, just look to Donald “My Body Is a Temple” Trump for pointers. The US president just had his annual checkup and emerged with flying colours. “President Trump remains in excellent health, exhibiting robust cardiac, pulmonary, neurological, and general physical function,” White House physician Sean Barbella said in a report released on Sunday.
How does the 78-year-old, who is the oldest person in history to be inaugurated US president, stay in such great shape? The report cited an active lifestyle, noting Trump’s many speeches and “frequent victories in golf events”. But if you’re not a golfer, don’t worry. I have put together a four-point Donald John Trump Wellness Plan so that you can be as perky as the president.
1. Don’t run down your battery with too much exercise
According to a 2017 New Yorker profile, the president’s views on exercise – like his views on everything else – seem to have emerged from Victorian Britain. “Other than golf, [Trump] considers exercise misguided, arguing that a person, like a battery, is born with a finite amount of energy,” the article notes. Sounds bonkers, I know. But look at the speed with which Trump is dismantling democracy! Maybe he’s on to something.
2. Sleep as little as possible
“Don’t sleep any more than you have to,” Trump advised in his 2004 book Trump: Think Like a Billionaire. “I usually sleep about four hours per night.” He expounded on this on the campaign trail. “I’m not a big sleeper. I like three hours, four hours, I toss, I turn, I beep-de-beep, I want to find out what’s going on,” Trump said in 2015. For most people, anxiety and a weakened immune system is what’s going on after chronic sleep deprivation. But, clearly, it’s working out for Donald.
3. Repeat after me: person, woman, man, camera, TV
“They said nobody gets it in order – it’s actually not that easy,” Trump said after taking a cognitive test in 2020 that involved repeating those words.
4. Inhale Diet Cokes and “hamberders”
Trump doesn’t drink alcohol and, in a rare moment of self-awareness, noted that never drinking is one of his “only good traits”. Instead of boozing, however, he throws back so many fizzy drinks that he’s installed a Diet Coke button on the Oval Office desk. He’s also a big fan of fast food and loves what he calls “hamberders.” Again, inhaling junk food is unorthodox wellness advice, but you can’t argue with the healthiest president the US has ever seen, can you?
• Arwa Mahdawi is a Guardian columnist
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