As I read Stephen Fry's wonderful letter to his 16-year-old self, I considered what I would have to say to my own younger self. I am only 31 years old, but it feels like light years away from the experiences I was having as a teenager. And, unlike Fry, I don't feel that trading away the things I have now for the intensity of my teenaged misery would be a good deal. But as I catalogued encouraging thoughts for the past incarnation of myself, I realised that it is not what I want to tell my adolescent self that would have made the most difference, it's what I wish I'd had the words to tell my parents.
My parents are great people. They have loved me very much and I have loved them the same. And so it is with most parents of fat children. They love their children and, in the manner of parents everywhere, just want what's best for them. Unfortunately, even with all the loving intention in the world, there are some things parents do that just make life harder for fat kids. I can't cross space and time (curse these limitations) to pass these things on to my own parents, but hopefully these three basic messages might help some fat kids now.
1. Your kid knows that s/he is fat. If your child has any degree of socialisation, consumes any popular culture, interacts with any peer groups, they know their body is different from those around them. Very young children may not be able to put words to it yet, but the age at which children are expressing body hatred is getting younger and younger. Even kids who aren't fat don't like their bodies. So your kids don't need you to jump on the bandwagon telling them they're freaks of fat-nature. Your children need to know that you, as their parents, love them unconditionally. And, depending on their age, they may have only marginal skills at distinguishing between the body they live in and the person they are. If you tell your kids there is something wrong with their body, it's going to read as there being something wrong with them. Remember, kids aren't masters of subtlety.
2. Don't tell your kids they aren't really hungry. Telling your child that they are not feeling what they are feeling is a super way to completely destroy any mind-body connection your kid is developing. Keep in mind that there is no research into the long-term effects of dieting on pre-adolescent kids. In fact, there's not even enough research to begin to determine what sort of effect a change in diet (much less dieting) would have on a school-aged child. Though everyone seems to agree that a good breakfast is a good start. Respect your child enough to believe them when they tell you something basic about their body. I'm not suggesting that you become a slave to your child's whims, of course. But there are better ways, better language to negotiate these situations than "No, you aren't hungry".
3. Don't make deals with your child. Don't promise to pay your child for losing weight. Don't bargain with your child on the basis of pounds lost. It might seem like positive reinforcement – the same way you try to reinforce good grades or completing chores – but it's setting your child up for disappointment, failure, and shame. Because when your child doesn't lose weight – and chances are more than good that they won't because their bodies are constantly in transition – they are going to get the message that it is their own personal fault. And, especially if egged on by the body hatred of their parents, kids are going to feel ashamed of their failure to control their bodies. Never mind that their bodies are growing and developing. Never mind the way bodies put on weight as a precursor to puberty. Never mind growth spurts, changes in figure, changing metabolism, or, hell, genetics.
I understand that parents are worried. The media fury surrounding the issue of childhood obesity is enough to concern even people who don't have kids. With people accusing parents of fat children of child abuse, it's no wonder that parents are desperate to do something, no matter what that something is.
The most important thing a parent can do for a child is to let them know they are loved. Again, that doesn't mean caving in to your children. But it means setting a good example – no more moaning about your thighs in front of your daughters. It means teaching your children that physical activity makes their body feel better no matter what their body looks like – it isn't punishment for having a nonconforming body. It means teaching your children that there are lots of different foods in the world and that eating the healthful ones can also make your body feel better – no matter what size that body happens to be.
Don't use your child's weight as the sole indicator of their health. Or of their worth. You are their parents; they need you to love them. Your kids probably don't have the words for this, but their future selves will thank you: if you'll excuse the pun, fat kids have enough on their plate without being burdened with your body shame, too.
