Name: The perfect job.

Status: Perfect.

Appearance: Mythological.

I don’t need to read this, because I already like my job. Yes, but is it perfect?

Well, no, nothing is perfect. That’s where you’re wrong. A study commissioned by Raja Workplace, which supplies industrial and business equipment, has revealed the exact credentials that make a job perfect. Would you like me to run through them?

Yes please. OK, the perfect job has a 26-hour week. That’s a four-day work week of six-and-a-half hour days, excluding breaks. Wouldn’t that be incredible? You’d finally be able to achieve something like a work-life balance.

Great! What else? Apparently the perfect job has a £44,000 salary. That’s almost £13,000 higher than the UK national average.

Count me in! Workers with the perfect job also have free cups of tea and a comfy chair. Wouldn’t that be nice? A lovely stream of endless tea is a sign that your employer values you.

This does sound lovely. The perfect job is also situated 17 minutes from your house.

No thanks. I’ve got used to working from home now. No, you don’t understand. You have to work in an office that’s 17 minutes from your house. You have to. Oh! Here’s something else: the perfect job has an office with a lovely view.

Now that I work from home, I get to look out over a park. And I don’t have to spend money commuting. What’s wrong with you, you dummy? Come to the office. Come on! It’s lovely here. What if we gave you your birthday off? People also love that, according to the survey.

I’m not a child. We all talk about you behind your back, you know.

What? Boris Johnson was right. We all gossip about anyone who isn’t in the office all the time.

Yuck. It’s just banter. Workers love banter. In fact, they’ve said that their ideal boss is someone they can go for a pint with.

That sounds like a dangerous erosion of professional boundaries. Come on. Come out for a pint with us. We’re a lot of fun!

Actually, now I think of it, I don’t really like my job. Covid has made millions of people reassess their professional lives, and I think I should join them. I quit! Have a pint with us, anyway.

You’re sure this isn’t a trap to get me back into the office? Sure. Come on, it’s just one drink.

OK. Wait, is that a net in your hands? Yes! We’ve got you now! Get to the office and work! Work until you drop!

Do say: “The perfect job has a 26-hour week.”

Don’t say: “Hooray! This means I have two perfect jobs.”