I turned 50 in November and am very much in love with my 59-year-old girlfriend of two years. We have no arguments or stress – outside of one issue. In the past eight months or so, our sex life has come to a complete halt. At least three times a week she suggests we have sex, but I cannot stay aroused for long. I may be overthinking things, lacking confidence or simply experiencing fear or anxiety that I didn’t before. (I am a little overweight, due to spending more time at home because of the pandemic.)
At first, our sex was awesome; I could hold out for at least three of her orgasms. But then I began experiencing premature ejaculation and she began to have some problems too. Now that these are resolved, I am struggling maintain an erection. I thought the problem was physical, but I can masturbate for as long and as many times in a day as I want.
It could have something to do with routine preparation; I think I need more spontaneity. Announcing, then showering, waiting, getting into bed and learning the rules or limitations, are all adding up. I am struggling and I don’t want her to think I am not attracted to her.
Relax. As a couple, you are suffering from a “hot potato syndrome” – so called because one person experiences symptoms, then as they are recovering the other starts having issues. The pattern can repeat endlessly.
Have a physical and psychological checkup – premature ejaculation can be the result of a physiological and/or a psychological problem, or a side-effect of medication. It is important to rule out such possibilities or, if necessary, seek treatment. Regarding your aversion to planning – it is OK to express this. Have a proper talk about everything: no blame, no shame, just affirming what is good and what could make it even better.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see theguardian.com/letters-terms.
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