Name: Five-a-day.

Age: Does it matter? I Just got Pfizered, first dose. Looking good for a good few years yet.

Not you, it, the subject. I’ll tell you. About 33 years old. Five-a-day was dreamed up in California in the late 80s. Are we talking fruit and veg? As in the various campaigns across the world to encourage people to eat better, for healthier and longer lives?

No, I’m talking a light-to-moderate smoking habit … yes, of course I mean five portions of fruit and veg a day. Are you getting them? Well, there was the mid-morning bar of Fruit & Nut, then the chips with the takeaway at lunchtime – extra large, so that’s two, isn’t it? That makes three in total so far …

Not even one, and you know it. I do; it’s been hard over lockdown. I’m going to do better, starting now. New leaf getting turned over – it’s going to be a green one – and after turning it over, I’m going to eat it.

Excellent. Kale? Oh, God, does it have to be? Kale tastes like cardboard.

It doesn’t have to be kale. Though some veg (beetroot, radish) are better than others (corn, potatoes), according to a new study. Sounds interesting. What does it say?

First off, that the five-a-day rule is linked to a lower risk of death, particularly connected to heart and respiratory disease, and cancer. No shallots, Sherlock. I think even I knew that. Where’s this from, some PR firm working for greengrocers?

Harvard University, actually. In the US? What do they know about eating healthily over there?

Quite a lot, even if they don’t actually do it. Only about one in 10 Americans eat two portions of fruit and three of vegetables a day. Yeah, well maybe some have three fruit and two veg.

Well, this is where it gets really interesting. These Harvard scientists have gone one better than the five-a-day rule – they’ve broken it down further, and come up with a golden ratio, the perfect combination of fruit and vegetables. Which is?

It’s still two servings of fruit, and three of vegetables! OK, OK, I’m going double it, four fruit, six veg. Make that six and nine, I’m gonna live for ever …

I’m gonna learn how to fly, Fame! But actually no need. The study also finds that eating more of either isn’t linked to increased longevity. Cancel the kale, quick. For ever. Apart from John, and JJ.

Do say: “I’ll have the lettuce, beetroot and radish salad, please. Followed by an apple. Plus a few grapes on the side – 16 in fact, that’s about a portion.”

Don’t say: “Just kidding, bring on the T-bone! Extra fries.”